I have 25 students in my class and only one child is “bad.” Yes, that’s right. I said bad. The worst. There is literally no fixing this child. He will probably end up in prison. No redeeming qualities at all. Yup. Bad to the bone.
So what can you do as a parent when the bad kid is yours? Here are some helpful suggestions from a certified licensed teacher and parent:
1. Believe everything your child says. Your child would never lie to you. Your child never has lied to you. At home, your child never fibs or even tells a little white lie (yes, I cleaned my room!). You can trust your child completely because everyone knows that children are utterly innocent. They are God’s little angels.
2. Talk negatively about your child’s teacher in front of him/her. If you don’t agree with the teacher, tell your child. Tell your impressionable little human all the nasty things you think about the teacher. And by all means, don’t censor yourself.
3. Send your child’s teacher passive aggressive emails. There’s nothing we like better than being talked down to. We love hearing from you first thing in the morning, too, so please send it bright and early.
4. Use big dictionary words in said email. We are just teachers and we don’t know words beyond the grade level that we teach. Acting smarter than your child’s teacher is a super duper idea.
5. If you don’t know how to use the email system, sending in a hand written note will do. Make sure you don’t seal it so your child can read it before giving it to the teacher. Also, misspell the teacher’s name. That’ll show ’em.
6. If your child’s teacher contacts you during the day, don’t respond or answer your phone. The teacher probably just wants to have a talk with you about your “bad” child.
7. Get with your parent friends and berate your child’s teacher. Talk about how she dresses, her personality, even her teaching methods. You parents know better than us teachers what works, so we would love to hear how we can improve ourselves.
8. If there was an issue at school, tell your child’s teacher that you’ll handle the punishment at home and then just laugh about the incident with your child as you drive through the McDonald’s for dinner. That other kid involved in the incident clearly is the one to blame. Your child is just being singled out.
9. Set a meeting to talk with the principal, the teacher’s boss, about how unfair the teacher is. Do not invite the teacher to the meeting and make sure to tell your child that you are meeting with the principal to “handle” the teacher’s issues.
10. When all else fails, tell your child that he/she doesn’t have to listen to what the teacher says. Encourage your child to tell all her friends.
I certainly hope these guidelines assist you in dealing with your child’s teacher. Teachers are notorious for picking on students. They hate Starbucks gift cards and working with you, the parent, to make your child a better person. Oh, and they really love apples. Lots of apples.